Monday, January 6, 2014

I Have To Be Honest-I'm A Mess

Hey Boucous! I'm having a rough day. Yesterday I took a nap and had a horrific nightmare (I'd rather not go into detail) but it made me realize I have some inner turmoil I need to work out. A few months ago, what started out as a visit home turned into me parting ways with my not-so-devoted fiancee and moving 3,000 miles back to where it all started-my mom's house. It was not pretty to say the least. Here I was pregnant with just the clothes I packed for my visit and having to face the fact that I would be raising my LO in the same room I grew up in. And that his father had already moved another "woman" into my apartment, to sleep in the bed I bought and enjoy all that I built in the 5 years we were together. Since I was pregnant, I spent most of my time working on forgiveness, as I didn't want my baby to experience the sadness and pain I was feeling. I joined a Bible study group and a few mommy groups on Facebook. I've felt so much joy from my LO since he's made his debut and I thought I was over "what happened". But lately, it's been revealed to me in different ways that those pains are still very present. I find myself crying when I awake in the middle of the night for my LO's feedings. Angry and wishing terrible things on my ex when I hear his name (which is Michael--too common for my sanity) Whitney said it best, "Where do broken hearts go"? How does one find healing from a pain that birthed such a beautiful reminder? So many of my high school "friends" had kids young. I struggle with the fact that I tried to do it the right way. I wasn't married but I was engaged--to a "man" I was with for five years. I was faithful, a so-called "ride or die chic", the cook, best friend and porn star that the articles told me would guarantee I keep my man. Yet I'm here. A lonely, single mother to an endangered black boy. Sometimes I wish I could sleep life away--but then I'd be cheating my son of all that he deserves.

 I've always loved fashion and wanted to be a designer but never pursued my dreams whole heartedly as I was for the most part, the sole breadwinner in the household (when I was with my ex). I began writing this blog for various reasons. I couldn't officially apply for a position in the fashion world (huge as a cow and wanting to be a stay at home mom), it gave me the opportunity to pursue my dream in a way I never imagined on my lonely and very pregnant days; it gave me something to focus on other than what was happening around me and most importantly-I pray it allows me to financially support my LO. Writing this blog and reading your comments have given my self-esteem a much needed boost and has made me feel like taking this leap out on faith and parting with my past was the best choice. Thanks for listening to my rant.