Hey Boucous! I'm having a rough day. Yesterday I took a nap and had a horrific nightmare (I'd rather not go into detail) but it made me realize I have some inner turmoil I need to work out. A few months ago, what started out as a visit home turned into me parting ways with my not-so-devoted fiancee and moving 3,000 miles back to where it all started-my mom's house. It was not pretty to say the least. Here I was pregnant with just the clothes I packed for my visit and having to face the fact that I would be raising my LO in the same room I grew up in. And that his father had already moved another "woman" into my apartment, to sleep in the bed I bought and enjoy all that I built in the 5 years we were together. Since I was pregnant, I spent most of my time working on forgiveness, as I didn't want my baby to experience the sadness and pain I was feeling. I joined a Bible study group and a few mommy groups on Facebook. I've felt so much joy from my LO since he's made his debut and I thought I was over "what happened". But lately, it's been revealed to me in different ways that those pains are still very present. I find myself crying when I awake in the middle of the night for my LO's feedings. Angry and wishing terrible things on my ex when I hear his name (which is Michael--too common for my sanity) Whitney said it best, "Where do broken hearts go"? How does one find healing from a pain that birthed such a beautiful reminder? So many of my high school "friends" had kids young. I struggle with the fact that I tried to do it the right way. I wasn't married but I was engaged--to a "man" I was with for five years. I was faithful, a so-called "ride or die chic", the cook, best friend and porn star that the articles told me would guarantee I keep my man. Yet I'm here. A lonely, single mother to an endangered black boy. Sometimes I wish I could sleep life away--but then I'd be cheating my son of all that he deserves.
I've always loved fashion and wanted to be a designer but never pursued my dreams whole heartedly as I was for the most part, the sole breadwinner in the household (when I was with my ex). I began writing this blog for various reasons. I couldn't officially apply for a position in the fashion world (huge as a cow and wanting to be a stay at home mom), it gave me the opportunity to pursue my dream in a way I never imagined on my lonely and very pregnant days; it gave me something to focus on other than what was happening around me and most importantly-I pray it allows me to financially support my LO. Writing this blog and reading your comments have given my self-esteem a much needed boost and has made me feel like taking this leap out on faith and parting with my past was the best choice. Thanks for listening to my rant.
No comments:
Post a Comment